La Sombra of Who I Am
Excerpt of poem:
I
miss my grandmother's hands
watching
them
as
she washed the grape leaves
mixed
the lamb with lemon juice
kneading
with both hands in a large bowl.
Watching
her hands
turn
the pages of my herstory
to
her nightlight as we slept,
I,
in
the bed of my dead grandfather.
Watching
sus manos
work
endless cross word puzzles
not
knowing how to love me
or
even if she should
things
she loved had a tendency to die.
Contact me for copy of full version of poem.
The shadow, the shade.
Se sento a la sombra del
olivo.
The poem “La Sombra of Who I Am” is multi-layered and
encompasses many themes. It speaks to
the female legacy and culture handed down to the new generation. It reflects my longing to know my ancestors and attempt to reconcile that
with my lesbianism. Growing up within one of the Southern California Latino
communities, I grew up with Spanish-speaking friends and their families. Through
the use of English, Spanish and Arabic, I have weaved together the
fragmented pieces of culture that are buried within me to create an integrated
experience. In an attempt to bring my
history clearly into the present moment I've strived within the context of this history
to find future hope of new discovery and self-definition.
It was written on the eve before my trip to Palestine
in 1994. I was writing about my feelings and expectations for the trip. I was
going to meet and stay with my family in Ramallah, Palestine.
Being Arab-American (as well as many other things), I did not expect to be
welcomed into their world. I did not
plan on telling them that I was gay because being gay and being a gay parent can
be very inflammatory. I was young and did not want to create any misunderstandings.
It was a hard decision for an out-lesbian to make, but I wanted to ensure that I
could find out more about my history and get to know my family first.
My maternal grandfather was born in Palestine. He and his brother sold bread, learned
English at a Quaker school, and worked hard to purchase tickets to come to America. Here my grandfather met my grandmother who
was also from the Middle East.
This poem is a multi-faceted reflection of how I have lived
in the shadow of my family, my ancestry, and sometimes in the shadow of myself.
--- Micaela Kaibni Raen
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Note: The full poem has been reprinted, on the Mitakuye Oyasin website:
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